Supporting Strong Black Men, Navigating Legacy, and Embracing Vulnerability

What does it mean to truly support those who appear the strongest?" This episode dares to pull back the curtain on the societal pressures black men face, particularly the expectation to maintain a stoic exterior even in the face of personal turmoil. Through heartfelt reflections and candid anecdotes, we explore the importance of safe spaces for vulnerability, finding humor as a light in the darkness, and the delicate balance of being a pillar of strength while needing support ourselves. 

Personal stories shed light on the nuances of life, loss, and legacy within the family. We candidly share moments of personal growth, from the profound lessons learned through the loss of loved ones to the everyday challenges of parenting and communication. The journey of personal and professional growth is discussed alongside the responsibilities of leadership and the emotional aspects of managing relationships. With a focus on community and mutual support, we highlight the importance of cherishing time with loved ones and learning from the influential figures who shape our lives.

Amidst the serious discussions, we also reminisce about the joys of childhood nostalgia and the shared cultural experiences that define who we are. From riding bikes named Zay to navigating the playful chaos of family life and informal daycare, there's laughter to be found in every story. Join us for a journey that blends introspection with humor, aiming to create a safe space for honest conversations. Here, we embrace vulnerability, offer guidance, and share experiences that resonate, bringing a sense of grace and connection to those seeking it.

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All music, production, and vocals edited by Chief Ali,
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Chapters

• 0:02 Mental Health and Freedom Speakers
• 5:26 Personal Reflections on Life and Loss
• 11:41 Reflecting on Memories and Loss
• 27:50 Building Success and Self-Reflection
• 37:52 Parental Reflections on Growth and Connection
• 51:06 Reflections on Business and Mental Health
• 56:28 Family Time and Self-Reflection
• 1:00:58 Legacy and Family Memories
• 1:12:44 Childhood Memories and Grocery Shopping
• 1:22:13 Childhood Memories and Cereal
• 1:30:07 Expressing Emotions and Vulnerability
• 1:44:37 Safe Space for Honest Conversations

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

yeah, I ain't, I ain't want to waste it. Man, we a big good spot, little sweet spot to um to kick us off at. Yeah, yeah, for sure, so no, but some of the notes that I do got for today, um, it's just stuff that I've been had different things uh to discuss, um, but freedom speakers, but Freedom Speakers. Today is a we having a low energy day, all right, so bear with us. It's really a heavy day or heavy time of year that you might find yourself in a family member, someone close to you, a family member, someone close to you and one of those things that you can find yourself in is a rut, maybe, or a form of seasonal depression.

Speaker 1: 0:53

And freedom speakers, it happens to the best of us, it most definitely happens to me, most definitely when I find myself in a place where I'm reminiscing about someone that is no longer physically with me. Ok, so when I say physically with me they had a traditional burial and off going so to me, this person physically left, but they spiritually are with me. And when I get a chance, when I speak like they're not with me is when I find myself emotionally breaking. They're always with me. Man, how can I ever lose them if I can never forget them, how can I yeah, so you know, we come to you today at this time, most definitely this time of year, with heavy hearts of us having family members and people close to us coming and going, at a time where family is very close to you start to cherish those times because, hey, you can never put it, you can never fool. I'd rather have the memory with you than I lost, the thrill than actually you know having that that time. You know I would, I don't want to stand on what if I'd rather have the memory with you. So, freedom of speech if you have a loved one that suffers from any form of mental health, never forget about them. Okay, um, look out for them, check up on them. Your strong friends, most definitely those who seem as if, um, they don't have any issues or they seem to hold it all together. For those people they break when they're by themselves. That's the real, real, real raw of the person when they're themselves. And when they're when they're themselves, when they're by themselves, um, I know, for me, I'm looked at in a different, at a place in time, most definitely in my life, to be the leader and looked up to, to have this, um, this front, if you will, where I always seem to have it together and I understand when the world is looking at you just as a man, as a black man. You got to always have your shit together.

Speaker 1: 3:34

You can't show emotion in a safe space. It is ammunition for your enemy, it's viewed as a weakness and it really. It really, really, really, really, really should not be Okay. If I can cry at birth of my children and I can cry at the death of a monarch of our family, I should be able to cry because, bitch, you pissed me off and I wanted to just fuck you up so bad, but I just found God. You can call God whatever name you want. We just gonna say God, jesus, buddha, allah, whoever it is, all the other. We just gonna say God. It's for all faiths, okay. But I'm crying because it's the adrenaline and I don't want to do well in jail. It's just not my place. But to add a little humor sometimes in a dark place can kind of make you chuckle when you really want to cry.

Speaker 1: 4:42

So, freedom speaker. Today I want to tell you personally I'm having a rough day and it's everywhere. It's not just me, it isn't a poor me. What it is, is that here, at Permission to Speak Freely, you should have the space to speak freely and we want to demonstrate that. So I have a question to you, my brother, as a black man how is your mental health? Often we go like, hey, how you feel, one out of 10, how's your mental health? And that's the easiest way to explain it.

Speaker 1: 5:26

I'll say today, man, I want to say four is so bad, but I don't think I can. Four is too close to average. I'm really, if I'm being honest, I'm in that one to two range right now. There's a lot been going on this past month, month and a half. You know certain things I never experienced before.

Speaker 1: 5:56

You know work's always going to be work. You know what I'm saying. That's going to be what it is. Every job has its days. You know what I'm saying. Every job has its days. You know what I'm saying. Every job has its days. So I try not to let that you know what I'm saying get the best of me, but it's more so the personal things when I walk out of those work doors that I have to deal with. You know what I mean Like even where small things can get in the way of a good day. You know what I'm saying. Like, like traffic, you know, a quick traffic jam 10 minute traffic jam should not bother you that much. You know what I mean. That's it's gonna happen. So you got to dig deep and figure, like, what's really going on with you.

Speaker 1: 6:39

You know, um, I recognized that um, this was last week, maybe Thursday or Friday. Um, I got frustrated, um, with my, my youngest son, to where, you know, we had a little battle real quick, to where I had to apologize to him. You know what I'm saying. At the same time, I wanted him to understand, um, why he got a reaction out of me. However, I shouldn't have reacted that way. You know, once again, he's eight. So it's kind of like, hey, welcome into the, the big boy club. This is how we deal with talking back. This is how we deal with huffing and puffing. You're crossing that threshold, you're at eight. Like, eight is the number you know, um, but I did have to recognize like I'm letting other things bother me, because I don't, I don't react that way, you know.

Speaker 1: 7:37

So I legit had to take him. I let him, I let him sit in it for a little bit, but I had to excuse me. I had to uh, take him to the office and talk to him and I could see that he really understood and appreciated that. Um, because of how emotional he got when I apologized and I didn't just say my bad, son, you know what I'm saying, or just I'm sorry I explained to him in depth, a what he did wrong and b what I did wrong and why we should never have to go through that again. You know, um, my, um, oh shit, bro, my granny damn Damn, I haven't. I'm not even sure if I said this out loud yet.

Speaker 1: 8:37

You know it's all just been. You know, just talking to family. You know you find comfort in things like that, but my, my granny passed away last Thursday and she was 94 years old. You know, lived a beautiful life and you know you say that and you're kind of like, hey, man, she was. You know she was 94. You know what I mean. You know it's bound to happen now. A lot of people do not make it to 90, let alone 94 or 100, you know. But you can never be ready for something like that. You know what I mean. You can know that it's coming in, which, you know, in the family.

Speaker 1: 9:17

You know, we knew, after a certain event happened, it's kind of like, hey guys, you know this may be happening soon, I want you to prepare, prepare yourselves, but, um, but it happened, um, and when it happened, my mother, like she wanted me to come up to the hospital, in which I understand me, you know, I'm saying, I understand that I don't want to go there and see granny that way, as beautiful as it was for those who did. You know, they know themselves. I know me, you know, I'd rather remember granny, you know, sneaking me a couple graham crackers even though I didn't eat my food. You know what I'm saying. I'd rather you know, I'd rather that you know what I'm saying. I'd rather you know, I'd rather that you know what I mean and not just see her you know what I'm saying laid up, although my aunt, you know, she explained and described to me of the moment it happened and in the back of my mind, I do wish I was there. I do wish that I was there to say thank you, granny, for everything you know from looking out for me, when, you know, I was supposed to get over to over to my grandmother's house at about four o'clock, but it's five o'clock and I ain't there yet. And she and she told my mom oh, he got here about four, you know, because she was, you know she was working security at the building, but but just looking out for me that way, you know, I'm saying I was, I was granny's baby, you know, and and it hurts, you know.

Speaker 1: 10:58

However, we got to recognize, you know, we're not on our time. We got to recognize, you know we're not on our time. We are on borrowed time. Whether you get 94 years, four years, 14 years, 24 years, you're on borrowed time and we got to make the most of it. And this may sound cliche, but life is literally too fucking short. Ok, that's my F-bomb for today. Too fucking short.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Okay, that's my F-bomb for today. Life is too short for us to be bickering over bullshit. You know what I mean Causing drama in people's lives that ain't necessary. Want to beef with folks over just stupid shit. Man, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 11:41

As grown people, you expect us to be to a point where it's like you say you want peace, but do you really Want peace? You don't truly want peace If you. If you, you're at peace but you're causing drama For somebody else, how at peace can you be, if that's what you desire Really, and who's gonna hold your feet To the fire To answer these questions? You know. But gonna hold your feet to the fire to answer these questions, you know. But I don't want to get off topic. Man, rest in peace. Um, to granny maddie lockridge uh, we love you. We gonna miss you. You did a phenomenal job. Um, and uh, you know, we'll see you when we get there. We'll see you when we get there. Yes, ma'am, love you granny. Hey, bro, that was beautiful. That was beautiful.

Speaker 1: 12:33

Death is a, death is a, is a transition, and this is the way that helps me with my mental health and I have my small reminders of letting me know how life is fragile. The past weekend, kyro had a seizure and by him being special need he was a 23-week preemie. He's nonverbal, he was not able to communicate to us what was going on. He just was drifting in and out of consciousness but looking for help and couldn't say. As a parent, it's surreal for a second Like this is really happening. This is really happening.

Speaker 1: 13:32

And having to keep it together as the man, the husband, it has its challenge. But I know that I'm being viewed visually more than I'm being viewed visually more than I'm being like scaled emotionally. You can't see that for so much like I I can give symptoms, yeah, of like dad shook cause KJ was right there. But him seeing how Vanessa and I jumped into rescue mode, like we're caregivers at heart, regardless of your title or education, of schooling or whatever. Like if you hand-to-hand care for somebody you're a caregiver at heart. You don't need them. Certifications are great. But if CPR is what's going to save that person, you know in the most simplest facts compared to you know, hey, you got to go get some surgery. Yeah, you can see that one coming. But the caregiver and her just caught being so responsive seeing what happened to him Calling like I called. I was the one who called 911. She was the one who jumped in the mommy mode aided seeing what's going on. He thought he was choking so she was patting his back. That ended up getting him to throw up. So we scared Ambulance come take him to the hospital. Kj and I pack a bag. We go up there. He seemed like he coming too.

Speaker 1: 14:57

But being in that moment, it always takes me back to the birth of KJ and seeing both of my children have a dramatic experience coming here, excuse me, it puts me in a place like hey man, they can be taken away from me at any time. And I already have a baby who is medically fragile Both of them are actual KJ always getting his ass whooped by nature in some kind of way man Bug bites, scrapes, something, get me. Man Allergies, the wind, it's something. But that puts me in that place of how fragile life can be and me still grieving for my uncle, like me, being able to say that out loud, like I miss my nigga so much. Yeah, and I never thought that I would feel for somebody and he would be my emotional scapegoat.

Speaker 1: 16:01

We would call and talk to each other Just man, shit, just man, shit, just man, shit. He like hey man, I call him. Hey man, I got my lawn looking bald. Man, my neighbor whooping on me what I got to do. Oh man, you got to put this true green down Three, four step. Now Come on over, get some brews and I'll tell you about it. Come watch the game, game. But just having those memories. We call and talk about house stuff like damn, I gotta get a hot water tank, but like homeowner shit or just repair shit, yeah, and that would be our space. So he'll call hey, you watching the game. He'll call in the middle what's going on? Or if I'm watching the game, I'm pretty sure he watching the game. So my phone ring is because something happened and that would be like just our shit. That would be our shit, man, but me getting the chance to that. That hits me on the memory. That hits me on the seasonal depression side of it.

Speaker 1: 17:05

I used to have fond, fond memories of going to my uncle and aunt's home during holiday time, all of us making fun like this, this bougie aunt and uncle. But now I'm the bougie uncle. You know what I'm saying. We, the rich uncle and auntie, we all know we got our shit together. We all right too. You know what I'm saying. But it's like, hey, I'm very thankful for that image. I'm very thankful for that.

Speaker 1: 17:32

We just went and seen Evelyn Randall, aka my Bump. Respect her, that's my Bump. Rip to her. And Granny, I think her name is Teresa, that is Vanessa's grandmother and great-grandmother. We went to their grave sites and sang and praised her, heard a good song and went to her restaurant she liked to eat, which was Famous. Dave's had some whiskey on behalf of her, just because you know that's her drink and that was my own, and tequila is an honorary mention. Tequila is very delicious but not hydrating. I did my own research.

Speaker 1: 18:18

But those people who are pioneers in our family, I get to see like they really set a trend, they trailblazed, and we get to have those memories of them. It always touches me, especially around the holidays, because you miss their presence. You miss whatever it is that they brought, whatever attitude it was, whatever dish it was, whatever character it was. It would be that my uncle would always bring a pot of collard greens and banana pudding. That was his thing. That was his thing. Evelyn would always buy the boys suits for church. She would always get them something church-infused. She got them a tambourine one year and she didn't usually go shopping. She'd just tell you and you'd take the change and go yeah for sure. You know what I'm saying. You know how Granny be them ankles ain't going to always make it. Having those memories and having those experiences leads me to looking for comfort sometimes.

Speaker 1: 19:34

So, freedom speakers, I'm going to let you into my mental health. Please keep up for a second. Evelyn and Big Ed, big Chief as we called him, they visit me and they visit me in the form of cards that's bird whenever I'm feeling in a place of like despair or like that's it like this this is it. This is achieved so much it. This is it. This is achieved so much. I guess this is it. I'll see them in the bird form. And there's two, two red cardinals. One is red and black, the other one is red and gray. The gray one, evelyn, because she had more gray than he did my baby. She had a whole little gravy, everything jumping off of that. But I see them and they visit me in that manner and I look for comfort in nature as I meditate, as I try to find and convince myself.

Speaker 1: 20:42

Okay, that's really what meditation is. It's worship and praying really to yourself, like, hey, this is what happened, this is what I exist in, this is my real life right here. This isn't a facade, this isn't filtered through a social media, anything. This really just happened to me. How do I thank God for it? Yeah, very difficult, but how do I? How do I?

Speaker 1: 21:14

Sometimes I gotta dig in them archives, bro. Dig in them archives. I promised myself I was gonna hold it together today. I even smoked some really good weed so I could keep my nerves right, it's legal here in Ohio, it's legal, it's legal, it's legal.

Speaker 1: 21:29

But that I have to think of the moments and memories. So it's like how can I ever miss them, if they always with me? If I could just pull it from the archive, yeah, if I can say hey man, I remember that man teaching me how to cut grass. Yeah, first job. He's like no, you got to put the stripes in there, make the line. The tire got to pass over, just over the line. Just enough, let me show you, let me demonstrate, so you don't miss nothing. And he would be cool as shit with it. They do with one hand. Come back around, it was the coolest shit. You know, making chores look cool, but it's really not even chores, it's a skill Teaching you like hey man, go out here. And you know you got to do it. But doing that man.

Speaker 1: 22:14

And even with Evelyn, I was around for quite some time. I was a little, yeah, in the background for a while. I didn't know how that worked, but you know, I made it through the trials and everything. I'm the victorious one, at least at this time. I died to my baby, but with Evelyn, when I came around, I've always had the memories of her when we would go to church and she would just be herself, just most lively, clapping and everything. And she used to have this bun. And it wasn't a real hair bun, though it looked like hair. It wasn't hair, the attachment it was this she would brush her hair back, like slick it back and then put the bun. Like. It'll be a different angle of different Sundays, so I might have a little low one, but it was salt and pepper and it blended and I was like, oh man, evelyn, y'all need to sleep. They like that ain't her feet. But she would just be clapping away long nails but feeling like right at home at the United House of Prayer for all people.

Speaker 1: 23:20

You hop, I couldn't continue to go because I signed up as a heathen a long time ago and then I wanted to spread God on my assignment. Come as you are, come as I am, man, you know. But these are things I pulled from the archives that make me laugh, that stop me from crying, because I be crying like a bitch and also man you hit it right on the head, man because you know we keep our loved ones alive in those memories. Like you mentioned, cutting the grass, man. So now, like every time you cut the grass you know what I'm saying it's like Big Ed is there with AB and he taught me this I got to keep the stripes, yeah. And then you teach the boys that it's like where did that come from? You know what I'm saying. That might have came from Big A. He learned that from somebody. So, like it just goes on and on and on.

Speaker 1: 24:09

You know my wife she lost her grandmother. We lost our grandmothers, our mom's moms, the same year, the same year, man, my grandmother, uh, may 2015, her grandmother, december of 2015, um, and now she always gets you know, and which I understand is you know, sometimes, you know, holiday season ain't the same after you lose a huge, huge part of your family, like that back um and so, um, I believe she said around around Easter, she gets a little down. You know what I mean, because Easter, that's the holiday that grandma do grandma house on Easter. So you know what I've asked her to do is like with the kids, like recreate those memories that you have with her. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 25:03

You said she made a dope ass. What was it? I believe it was a peach co. You said she made a dope ass. What was it? I believe it was a peach cobbler. She made a dope ass, peach cobbler. So every year, every Easter, make a peach cobbler and try to get it to taste just like grandma. You may not get it, oh no, that ain't grand. This is actually nasty. You know what I'm saying. Hey, hit it again next year. You know what I'm saying. Hey, hit it again next year. You know what I'm saying. Hey, next holiday, next holiday, but try to keep it special with the Easter, though Holiday can be something else. Try to get them greens together. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 25:32

So I say this, man. I say this just on a happier note for a second man. This is why family traditions is so important. Yeah, being able to pass on experiences and memories and stories and pastimes of the happy moments of people who are no longer here, but you are keeping them alive in somebody else's memory. Yeah, so when I get to see KJ wear his big-ass shirt, it be one of them. Like rest in peace, chief. Rest in peace, big Chief. I'm like man, but don't cut the grass. Yeah, that's better, but I get it. You know what I'm saying. It's just like the kids. Yeah, that's better Other siblings that I was found through my father's side of the family Very new information to me, man, but I've been very accepted by them and it just do me well to be like, hey, man, we was looking for you and I'm like, damn man, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 26:36

I'm really a superhero, orphan type nigga man. Like I'm an orphan in y'all. I just was out here. What I'm looked at is like the big, big baller brother from the city. So they had always known you was out there. That's something, man.

Speaker 1: 26:50

So information that still shakes me is the passing of my father. He passed in 2013, congested heart failure. He was a mechanic and a truck driver. So me getting that tinkering kind of came through, probably genetically from him. But then my uncle used to tinker. He would work on cars and just man, that nigga felt like he could fix everything. Bruh, he. I mean you tell him you had a problem with something. Man, he on the spot to be able to try to help you fix it, man. So I think that's kind of At least to be able to tell you what it was. Yeah, something, take it up there. I can't tell you I can't fix it, but I can tell you exactly what it is. I can tell you something else they driving you. So I most definitely get that in man and respect that man.

Speaker 1: 27:50

But uh, my sisters uh, who I've been in contact more uh with, have been, you know, awesome every other day. What's up, bro, hey, when you coming down? And they're in yazoo city, mississippi. So shout out to yazoo city from uh here, permission to speak freely. Podcast and host chief ali. So shout out to y'all from us, like I said, I'm in and I got a sister, wendy, that's here. She lives here in Cleveland, ohio, where we broadcast from. Very thankful for her. She's been very, very accepting as well. We post a link up actually pretty soon, sometime before the end of the year, holiday season, holiday season up actually pretty soon, uh, sometime the end of before the end of the year, but holiday season, holiday season.

Speaker 1: 28:26

So, man, to me that's a, that's a. That's the closest I can get to him, uh, physically, yeah, but I'm looking for signs throwing now that I'm, I'm aware and I'm just I'm able to kind of cope with like, hey, man, you know, I never get to meet him like physically, so that, so that that get me, you know, it get me. But it really bonding the happiness into it. It's like, nigga, I'm really my own motherfucking man. Yeah, for sure, man, I'm really trailblazing my own shit, definitely.

Speaker 1: 29:02

And if I and if I could man, like you know, I feel comfortable in saying, especially being how your new found family is accepting you. Man, that's just, that's direct. Just feel like the man he was. You know, sam didn't get a chance to meet him, but they wouldn't feel the way they do If he didn't feel that way. You know what I mean. If he didn't feel that way. You know what I mean. But them displaying the type of person he was through how they are with you and like, hey, this is Brother Kent, come on, come join us, come down, come on down to Mississippi, come on, this is where we, you know and welcoming you. You know what I'm saying. So them carrying that legacy of him through their acceptance and their welcoming and embracing of you man, that just speaks to the kind of man he was.

Speaker 1: 29:49

I definitely believe that, for sure, and I respect that. My other sibling, or that my sibling knew me or knew about yeah, and attempted to reach out. I block one of them yeah, you know, scamming a lot going on that year I just, uh, I was. My trust issues was even worse then than they are now, but I'm growing. I'm growing, yeah, uh, but I'm very, very thankful for the being embraced and being accepted and just being able to communicate with one another and really having that just for me, like that's really just for me.

Speaker 1: 30:39

And I know, sometimes with us as men most definitely black men sometimes we look to need something just for us. This is where, you know, marriage usually comes into play and I'm a firm believer in marriage, okay, but I'm not a believer in monogamy and not a negative, but believer of everybody. Beat the black man ass, okay, you know how much love I deserve, how much love I put in, how much work I put in, yeah, to heal me or to help shield me from what the world already promises. Yeah, sometimes one woman ain't enough. Sometimes you need the strength of, like, hey, her mother and maybe her the husband's mother. So you got that pact that, hey, we all have the mutual interest in that man. The same with the grandfathers if they were there, yeah, but in reality of where we live in now, it ain't always like that, yeah, so if it isn, they were there, but in reality, where we live in now. It ain't always like that. So, if it isn't more heavily, more needed that that man needs more love from black women. And I ain't saying romance, I ain't saying he gotta have sex with these women, but he need a healthy mutual relationship with that woman for her to protect him how she wants to be protected by him innately. Protect us too, god damn it. Yeah, don't ever feel like we okay, because we ain't never okay.

Speaker 1: 32:19

Yeah, man, we always are under attack. Oh, man, you, you talking right now, bro, because it's something I've been thinking about this last week. Man, you know people will hate you because of how great you are. They ain't did nothing to them. You know we call them haters or player haters. You know hoe-ass niggas in some circles. That's a fact. You know that's, that's a fact. You know that's a. That's a disease, man, that jealousy of you, you, you feeling some way about somebody, just because of what they're able to do for people or how they look out for people, you know saying how they would even look out for you.

Speaker 1: 33:06

But you're just so, you know, saying certain people got too much pride, or to my don't, I don't, I don't need her, I don't need him, I don't need nobody and and just want to hate. You know I'm saying. How many times you heard a story where it's like, hey, I would love to give the business to my son, but he ain't responsible, he's a fucker. Yeah, you, you know what I'm saying. And for somebody who it did come down to, they still earned it through trust, through learning the business, from exhibiting responsibility and maturity. You know what I'm saying. And a little bit of luck. A little bit of luck, man. You had a rich dad. Hey, man, cool, I still had to earn this shit, you can.

Speaker 1: 33:44

So, as I was saying, man is it? You can, you can fuck up your lottery ticket in any kind of way and if you've got it out the mud and hand it to you if you had help with it, you really can fuck it up by taking it for granted. I think a lot of times we do do that because we we'll get in our ruts, we'll, we'll or we'll get comfortable, which happens. You, you know what I'm saying. That's not a negative, but being able to adjust yourself is just a superpower. Within that, being able to be like, hey, man, you know what? This is me. This is me. I got to stand in this one, I fucked up.

Speaker 1: 34:18

A lot of people can't say that one. Or even sometimes, for the protection of their own shit, they'll be like, no, nigga, this is mine of their own shit. To be like, no, nigga, this is mine, this is mine. Okay, I earned this. I put the time in, I work for it. Nobody handed me nothing as us being in business together. Bros like, hey, we both got different roles in this shit, certain certain battles. Bros like hey, you want a piece of this guy. You, you know what I'm saying. You want a piece of this guy. Or it's like hey, man, this one only for me. You can handle this one, this is only for me. But it's a joint venture.

Speaker 1: 34:58

Okay, we look to take the negative narrative out of employee versus employer. At the same time, it's deeper than the job. That's where the loneliness of success comes in, because sometimes people only there because you pay them. And when it comes to business, that's okay. But you can't be attached to things like that. When bills and expenses come, nigga, I'm not attached to that light bill. Get this bitch the fuck away from me. It's costing me, it's costing me. And then you ain't invited to the parties. No more, bro, bro, man, so it, the success gets, gets lonely because you are working, whatever you putting your time into finally is taking off. It's finally paying off, man.

Speaker 1: 35:44

You finally are piecing this shit together, man, from whatever template you may see or be around, but you carving yourself. Yeah, you carving yourself like, hey, I see Brody doing what he doing. Man, I like how he handling shit or how he handled that situation, like his swag or like his style. That takes a very mature and secure person, most definitely as a man, to be like, hey, bro, I look to you, this is fly to what you do, man, or how you handling things. That's fly.

Speaker 1: 36:13

Or me being in a position where it's looked at like hey, man, you're successful. And I'm like, nah, man, don't do that man, you're making the spot hot. I'm just a squirrel trying to get you. Yeah, I'm trying to get you. You make me. Yeah, I'm trying to bust all I can, but it's like, hey, you um, like, I don't do that man, I don't want to be the, I don't want to be the man. I, I don't want that, even though it's like, hey, as you said, nigga, you can't choose your audience. You can't choose your audience. You don't choose your audience. You don't choose your audience, you don't choose the message you see. So people looking to follow is like, hey, that's a, that's fucking amazing.

Speaker 1: 36:54

What do I do with that power? Yeah, what do I do with that? Do I turn into the penguin and I fuck up some political, judicial congress type shit, I'm the boss of the underworld. Or do I go ahead and be like hey man? I give an example for whoever looks to see and be that beacon of like hey man, I can be.

Speaker 1: 37:18

I love to make this story triumph, but I'd be crying all day if I really told you how much pain I had to go through, yeah, to be able to say, man, I ain't hurting like that, no more, I'm not. I'm not as in much pain as I once was. Do I hurt? Fuck, yeah, I fight titans, okay. You ever been in a? You ever seen a boxing match? It's rounds. Some niggas don't make it. 12 fucking rounds, not at all. And it used to be 15. Let's get the shake, okay.

Speaker 1: 37:52

Do you know the endurance it takes to fight Like in any form, and all fights are not physical? Yeah, but do you know the endurance it takes to just put up with the shit, to fight the shit To just be like, hey man, you shit. To fight this shit. To just be like, hey man, you can have this one because I need a break. You can have it. I just don't want to get knocked out. Okay, just don't knock me out.

Speaker 1: 38:13

Or it's like I'm I'm not giving up. You know, I'm saying I know what I'm doing is right, I know what I'm doing is for somebody I love. I'm not giving up on them, even if they've given up on themselves. You know, sometimes you can't do too much when it gets to that point Because they say, man, how can I help you if you won't help yourself? Yeah, I can't want it more than you. They can't want it more than you, I cannot. Yeah, and that twinkles into the entitlement man, just freedom speakers.

Speaker 1: 38:48

Man, if you, if you find yourself in a place where you are making your gains in life and you putting your yourself first and you putting your success first and people start falling off they never was supposed to be fucking with you from the first yeah, All right. If you make an advancement for yourself, that can potentially blossom for everybody and this person get mad. They never wanted to see you shine. They, they never wanted to see you shine. That is not something that you need to have ingested into your life, into your circle in any way, shape or form.

Speaker 1: 39:22

Okay, so the hard part about it is standing on your word with it, because you can clearly say by yourself I'm done with the motherfucker, I'm finished, I'm finished, I'm finished, I'm finished. But once time actually goes, oh, in the past and you get hit with real life shit. Your hot water tank go out, man. You need some breaks. You like man, I don't give a fuck about this bitch right now, nigga, I don't give a fuck about this bitch right now, nigga, I can't get to work. Other things start to supersede and take precedent of your importance, but you can let that shit just sometimes go. When you got to stand on it, you got to stand on it. So having to mourn you being the one who initiates I ain't fucking with you, yeah, and I can't.

Speaker 1: 40:06

I found myself Permission to like. I found myself permission to speak freely, permission to speak freely. I found myself in a place where I was mentally sick and it was self induced. It was self induced of I was having so much fun with the people around me. I was actually taking care of their responsibilities for them because I just wanted to have fun. I was actually taking care of their responsibilities for them because I just wanted to have fun, I was just kicking it.

Speaker 1: 40:31

Or what is in my power to be able to change lives in an instant? You're fired, nigga. Nigga, try to stand on you. Tell him that real quick. Nigga, you say you're hired. Motherfucker, we really touch you, hug, kiss, above or below the belt, shut it out, man. But really touch you, hug, kiss, above or below the belt. But it comes with that power. Just as I hate, you comes with a certain power. You say it enough, you do something. Just like, if I say I love you enough, it comes with a certain power. You said enough, it'll do something to it.

Speaker 1: 41:04

So me just knowing that and exercising that, man, it puts me in a place of like, hey, I gotta say the right things to people. So when I'm dealing with work, I gotta be fragile with their emotions, just like mine. Um, when it comes to the children, I gotta exercise that on how I speak to them. To my wife I'm, I'm, I'm at a place like I say, man, I'm falling back in love with, with wifey, I'm finding us growing out of COVID. That was really traumatic to us, with our, our children, our babies, our business, our livelihood with her almost lost everything. You know, no fault to myself, but something I'm growing through.

Speaker 1: 41:45

So me me finding me in these spaces where I'm helping, I'm finding me almost like I'm neglecting people who really need me because I'm thinking that they're okay and I'm not paying attention to that. Hey, I always holler that I'm not okay, I need aid, I need help. I need to make sure that I'm putting these people first, meaning my children and my wife and my business and my employees, my team, everybody first, before I help somebody just because we trying to have fun, we trying to kick it, add it to the bill, throw it in the bag, run the Amex up, bitch, ain't no limit. We about to have fun. It's great, it's Gucci whatever it is. It's Gucci whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 42:24

And getting caught in that, myself not preparing for, hey, you still got your own shit to do. You still got artists coming up. You still got a team you got to keep morale with. You still got a wife you want to make love to. You want to present yourself as a fly husband, as a man to us. All of these things in my mind, like trying to balance them all, trying to find myself like who I? Who am I in fatherhood? What examples do I have do like that we spoke about a little bit earlier?

Speaker 1: 43:02

I found me having my moments with KJ and normally we have our deep dad talks right before it's time for his nigga to go to bed. Let's laugh. Kj ain't like the same person man. It's weird. Yeah, they both with Aries. Yeah, aries, they both Aries. Birthday is a day apart. Yeah, very similar in character. You know what I'm saying, but they're going to change the world because of how inquisitive they are, how many questions that they ask. At the same time, they really like to be in control in a lot of ways that we may not understand.

Speaker 1: 43:37

So one of the things that I did pick up with KJ is when he does come out into my man cave, also known as Lounge 87, another home of Permission to Speak for the podcast. You can catch us on all streaming platforms when KJ and I are having our conversations. Don't kick me. He'll come on out there and just catch me watching a game or watching a comfort movie which almost any Marvel movie you do, for sure and he'll bring up a conversation and normally it's music, because he's a music head as well. I love that about him, he into that.

Speaker 1: 44:10

But he in that moment to me as I'm reading oh, not just we spending time, he dictating when we talk. Hey, I came out here to talk to you, nigga, and then I let him just run we talking, we chopping. I'm like man, I don't want to force him off. You know what I'm saying. I run we talking, we chopping. I'm like man, I don't want to force him off. You know, I'm saying we, yeah, I know it's bedtime, but he's spending time with me. But then he had talked until he like, yeah, man, I'm sorry, I'm gonna go to bed and I'm like dope man, give me love, give me a hug, give him a kiss. But he controlled that entire situation and I just sit there and be like he ain't challenging me because it's not wrong, because he's not.

Speaker 1: 44:51

But it's like he really is exercising, speaking up or doing things on his own, having his own beat to shit. I don't want to, never. I had to be aware of that, but I didn't want to be like biggest bad time. You know, you had to put me in my fucking bed For me to just do nothing. You know what I'm saying. So I love that about him and I love that for him, most definitely when it comes into wanting him to have a voice, like to be able to speak up and know, like, hey, man, your dad, you don't know, your dad a cool ass like, especially in some adult that you don't, you don't know I'm, I'm, I'm the it nigga a little bit sometimes. Some circles, I'm in some circles, I'm the square that takes care of his circle. Okay, I'm natting. Some wish they could do it, like your daddy, and some I'm the blueprint bro, but like, you'll grow up and get to see one day how cool your motherfucking father really is. Right now, I'm dragging you, I'm nagging you. I said if I'm a square, I'm an ice cube. Hey, break that down, break that down. I like that Poetry, my lay low the most. I got it. We're bringing it full circle.

Speaker 1: 46:05

Man, I was putting myself in situations that I didn't need to be in. I was making myself sick because I was taking on other people's frustration that were not my frustrations. I had my superhero cape taken out of the closet and I wore it for too long, which gave a false sense of entitlement and I wore it for too long which gave a false sense of entitlement, which gave a false sense of they can just pull up on you and ask you to just save them from society. Man, put me on. Man, put me on. It's like I'm having struggles staying up myself. Man Enough to cut you in, that, like it, take care of your whole life. That's a pretty big, big favor, a pretty big. You ain't gonna put in no work what you trying to do, but it's it that that shit fucks with my mental health.

Speaker 1: 46:58

Of like, don't, don't, don't bring the spot to me, he hiring. Niggas like look on the internet, not in real life. Don't run up on me at dinner. Niggas like so listen, you know. Like you say, to bring it full circle, what have you learned and how do you adjust moving forward? You want the real answer. Yeah, of course. Have somebody else fucking do it. Hey, that, yeah, that's real, that's weird, I don't, that's something I'm learning. Let somebody else fucking do it. Hey, yeah, that's real, that's real. I don't, that's something I'm learning. I had somebody else do this shit. That's something I'm learning.

Speaker 1: 47:33

Man, my plate recently has been very much full, especially because I can go say I have three different plates. You know what I'm saying. I got my husband plate, my business plate, my fatherhood plate. We'll throw all them plates together. You're going to need more than a little styrofoam. That's a big ass plate. You know what I'm saying. And my plate has definitely become full to the point to where it's like nigga, I'm delicate, hey, I ain't got time for this stupid shit. I've, literally I've felt myself change so much. I say, especially in this last, not even a long period of time, bro, I say two months Don't take long. Two months I felt myself change into where it's like yo, this little goofy nonsense shit you worried about, nah, nah, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 48:24

How do you feel about, like you mentioned, taking on other people's traumas? But what about when somebody just wants to have a conversation with you, get your advice? Are you? Are you empathetic to the point where you get invested, to where it's like I'm putting this on me? Let me just give this person this advice and move on without taking on their problems as your own?

Speaker 1: 48:46

I used to have a really bad problem with that. Like I would find me, like I said, putting on that cape, trying to help this person figure out their issues when they're really just trying to transfer, they're trying to pass the buck off to being responsible for themselves, yeah, and sometimes it'll turn into just a tangible thing. They need a material money, some type of good, and it's like, hey, man, and you get to be around a person long enough to see like, hey, some of this shit is so conflicted, I can't make up your deficit because you chose to do X, y, z. So I learned not to jump right to it. I learned to let it air out for a second that normally you find the person. If you don't say yes immediately, you kind of get to see what the outcome is. I ain't need to help, no motherfucking way. Let them go do their thing.

Speaker 1: 49:42

But I found me doing that at a time and it still ended up being my fault if I don't continuously do it. So when I found me having to stop it and I did stop I found it still being my issue that I never even started it. I never even did it or offered to him and that just showed like a level of entitlement. I never even did it or offered to him and I just showed like a level of entitlement. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't, but I'm at less war with myself because I didn't get myself involved in something that it wasn't an end to. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 50:16

So learning to protect myself from myself, of not just jumping in or rescuing somebody because my heart big enough, or my material stretched long enough, my pockets deep enough, my heart con enough, or my material stretch long enough, my pockets deep enough, my heart conned enough where, nigga, what's breaking you is peanuts to an elephant to me. Or it could be the internals of like you really just want somebody else to do it and you being lazy, so you running a manipulation game, you running a scheme, a scam and having to make people be accountable for their own shit. Yeah, man down like that down, not at all down like that man down. Let me ask you this. We was talking about um. We gave away our age the other day, a couple episodes ago. Um, so 37 year old chief, yes, sir, um.

Speaker 1: 51:06

Is there anything you would say to 32-year-old Chief, be it advice, something not to do, something to do? What would you if you could look 32-year-old Chief Ali in the face right now? Just tell him something to get him through this next five years. What would you say? Get help, solid, get help, solid. Like get help. For my mental health it is.

Speaker 1: 51:32

You gotta mourn things, deaths, the ends of things, and it isn't always easy. Sometimes having to sit in the to to see a person full of circle and I'm going to just have it with business for a second to see a person full of circle, knowing the place we are in business that, hey, we get to see a lot of the people who come in introduce ourselves as owners, so on and so forth, so that we got to sit across from this person. At the same time. Once things kind of go haywire and we couldn't, you know, come to a good resolution with the person, now we have to be the one reprimanding and having to let them go. So that becomes a trauma of having to have somebody's livelihood sit in your hands like that.

Speaker 1: 52:19

And when you get to see that they don't possibly care and you got to be the deciding factor, you got to hold that sometimes I had it had 95% of the time with the people that we got to walk out the door. They spit on us on the way out, regardless of what we do for them. But you got to know that in business. So this is why your memory has to be short of like. I didn't connect with this person anyway to some degree because you want to care, but you got to care through the vessel of the business. You as a person and a human can't get too invested and involved, because a human and normally play on a human. You can't play on this machine. In a system that's built, we got we trying to fix loopholes.

Speaker 1: 52:59

I remember you telling me a long time ago when I was having trouble, you know, say like expressing the issue to somebody and you know them have a rebuttal with what's going on in their life and you just we even go with them lines again, you know you say, hey, it's not that I don't care, so I can't care, I can't care. You know I'm saying if what's going on with you personally directly affects this business, you can't be here. If you walk in here and you in a, you in a shitty mood and our clients is feeling the effects of you not performing at your best, it's like, hey, you get that shit together, leave it at the door and you can pick it up when you leave. Leave it at the door again on Wednesday. Don't bring that shit in here. You know what I'm saying. Well, I'll say this keep your space. Yes, you got.

Speaker 1: 53:51

We even offer hey, if you having some mental health days or you having a rough time, you can schedule time to be able to communicate, to be able to talk, to be able to vent, to be able to detox. If, to be able to vent, to be able to detox, if you scheduling 10, 20, 30 minutes, even an hour, to communicate with me personally, offering free counseling to the team, if that's going to get you to go in there and feel okay with working your 10, 12, 16, 18 hours, whatever shift hours you got to pull. Do you want mornings or afternoon? But that's another service, because I understand. Just remember the mirror, trying to have the mirror image of what I'm asking for and what I want. I need to be willing and accepting when it comes.

Speaker 1: 54:42

So if I'm saying I need a place to be able to sometimes speak, which is normally my woman or my counsel people who I look to, and be like, hey, I'm hell bent on this motherfucking idea, I'm hell bent on this shit, all right, but my soul don't fully feel OK, even though I'm OK, like I know, in business it's OK, but in life is like I'm about to really fuck this person up. I don't know where you at right now. I don't like having that power in my hand, especially for somebody who we got like multiple layered relationships. You know what I'm saying, because if they don't turn out, the the performance or the progress and you can't redirect them now you gotta cut them is always my fault. So if I'm always wrong, I'm a dude the fuck. I want to be. I'm wrong anyway. I'm a dude the fuck. I want to be man Bringing it full circle. It makes so much sense.

Speaker 1: 55:40

So let me ask you this man oh shit, with you wearing like we Freedom Speakers here at Permission to Speak Freely, so with with you wearing like we, we, we freedom speakers here, permission to speak freely, we push the narrative so, so heavy on family man, businessman, entrepreneurship, those are the peaks of the crowns that we wear. It's so many others, but just to tie it in, like it's really family man, you wear so many hats there brother, uncle, son it's too many to break down with just family man, business man, you started part-time, full-time. Now you running them whole. Motherfuckers, bro, like that. But you wear, you feel the pressure of every position because you had it, you developed it, you tweaked it, that's true. So you it, you developed it, that's true.

Speaker 1: 56:28

It's like I know what the fuck you're doing wrong bitch. I know what you're not doing because I used to do it. Okay, that playing foolish with me is one of them. You get to look your peer in the face. I believe in fair ones, okay, I believe in fair ones. Okay, I believe in fair ones. Okay, I believe in that one. Like that's it.

Speaker 1: 56:50

All that is to me is a difference of opinion. We shouldn't be ever. We should never have a difference of opinion and be okay afterwards. You whoop my ass, help me up. I whoop your ass, I'm help you up, and we gonna hold this on each other and we ain't gotta physically whoop each other ass. But it's one of them. Like, hey, I should kick your ass. You know you was wrong. I got you.

Speaker 1: 57:11

Man, I'm on my shit, Just like with myself. I hate nigga. I hate disappointing my woman. Yeah, okay, I hate disappointing women, but my woman most definitely, and I know that sometimes that shit can be used against us because we like to perform. That's me, and we like at least me. I can't say everybody, but I like to perform, I like to be like oh, this thing, did you have a question for me? I don't know. Did I Freedom speakers? No, no, but bringing it full circle, man is breaking it down, just so you get where I'm coming from. When? Just breaking it down, just so you get where I'm coming from.

Speaker 1: 57:45

When it comes to wearing all of these different things, do you really really still find time for just you? Yes, but not nearly as much as I should, not nearly as much as I should, and not even just finding enough time for just me, but finding enough time for my family. You know what I'm saying. It gets demanding. It's not always demanding, but it gets that way. You know what I'm saying. And as important as it is for family men to have a long time, of course it's important for us to have that family time too. You know what I'm saying and being intentional with that shit, me and Mika were just talking One weekend out of the month, this is what we're gonna start doing.

Speaker 1: 58:27

I don't know when we're gonna start, but we're gonna start. We're gonna put a pin in it. One weekend out of every month, it's family weekend, meaning we're intentionally planning doing something with the kids going to this park, going to this fair, going to the movies, going like it's family weekend, it's us, and it always, because you know it's six of us, that shit get expensive. Like, hey, we go to the movies, bro, and he has 120, no popcorn, like, bring them, bring, bring them, micah, knyx, uh, get dollar tree, dollar tree, hey. And then that if everybody still get it's six people, and everybody still get two items, that's 12, it's 12 out, but most people gonna get three. You're gonna get a price of chips, candy, something to drink, so that's I think, pick one 18 and y'all can share. So y'all two share, all right, y'all buddy drink, buddies, y'all bring two straws.

Speaker 1: 59:26

No, I'm saying we were talking about finances last episode, so we're just cutting a little bit here and there can make a huge difference. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly. So with us planning, hey, you know, hey, family weekend, we probably started fresh on the new year, starting with, like, going, sledding and some shit. You know what I'm saying? Um, but I definitely need to find a way to a more, more time for just me.

Speaker 1: 59:51

My wife get mad at me, you know, I'm just like last night, I'm watching game for the war series or is watching me. She tell me, look, come to bed. And I'm just kind of like, just hey, leave me alone for a second. I have no time to me alone for a second. I have no time to be alone during the day. And, honestly, when I am alone during the day let's say if I get home before my baby boy get off the bus and nobody's there you know what I told. That happened yesterday. You know what I told myself. Then I'm going to take a nap. Did I take a nap? No, it's too quiet in the house. You, I'm saying I ain't used to that. I become such a accustomed to being a family man. Something going on. All I hear is artists, little feet tick-tapping on the kitchen floor.

Speaker 1: 1:00:36

Like I can't go to sleep, I turn the fan on or something. You know I'm saying I'm waking up every two minutes. The clock ain't move. You know I'm saying it's weird because I'm so immersed in just being this family man. It's strange. The only time I can get it is late at night, when they're asleep, or early in the morning, and that's part of the reason why I wake up so early.

Speaker 1: 1:00:58

My body awake me up, sometimes early as 3, 30 am, when thatuh, I ain't going back to sleep. It just don't work for me. I try, I fucking fuck my ass. It just don't work. Trying to go to sleep hard as shit, yeah, trying hard, ah, it ain't working. I just get up. I just get up. I fucking wash two loads of clothes before 5 am. You know, you know what I'm saying. It may seem like, but you ain't done no laundry. Nah, I did that shit when nobody up, you wasn't around, when I was being responsible, I did my whites and I did all my pajamas together, all different colors and shit, you know. But, um, but that's when I have my time, you know so.

Speaker 1: 1:01:38

And again, like with my wife, when she do want me to come to bed, just like, kinda, let me sit here here for a minute. Please get mad at me when I legit fall asleep on the couch. You slap her on the couch. Hey, my bad, that's what my body told me to do. You know what I'm saying. And then let's say, if it's an evening where I'm not tired, and she is, well, I'm about to go to bed. All right, man, hey, salute, yeah, you should not be penalized because I'm not tired. I'll holler at you. You know what I'm saying. Hey, rest. Well, you know she a woman, so she gets attached. I can't go to sleep without you. You know what I'm saying. Don't let me be buzzing the third or some shit, be like you playing on my mental. Yeah, man, how'd you sleep before I got here? But hey, respect, respect. You know we got to respect each other's way. You know I'm saying we got to respect each respect each other's way. And especially as a man that got his hands on so much family, business, wife, extended family you know I'm saying, and I embraced that. I embraced that like a mug man, like it made me so happy.

Speaker 1: 1:02:44

I was talking about, uh, the day after Granny passed, I called my uncle and I'm just like, hey, I heard about Granny and he does very well with these types of family tragedies. I really don't know how he do it. He was the master of ceremony for his own mother's funeral. How, bro, sit down. You know what I'm saying. M saying mourn, but he just so strong, I don't know. No, I don't know. But, um, I told unc. I said, hey, let uh, you know, let auntie know, auntie, auntie, val auntie, everybody know. You know these are granny's daughters. You know they're making the arrangements. If it's anything they need me to do, you know, know what I'm saying I will do that.

Speaker 1: 1:03:29

And the thing that I had in mind was speaking at the funeral. You know, I'm in my 30s now and you know, when you're too young, the family don't trust you to go up there and say shit, because you will probably fumble. Yeah, you're going to fumble, but you know, me and my siblings, we're moving into that stage of adulthood where it's like no, it's y'all turn to host family dinners. We'll give you the recipe to the mac and cheese we shared, which just the way granny did it, Just how granny did it. But it's our time to start stepping up in these moments. You know what I'm saying, knowing how to plan these things.

Speaker 1: 1:04:09

And in this case, man speaking at Granny's home, going man, and I was going to ask my auntie directly, like, hey, I want to. You know, I want to say something at the funeral. Before I could say it, she asked me. I'm standing right behind her, she on FaceTime with my cousin and she go you, okay, we put you on program for a month. And I'm like, yeah, I'll be honored, yeah, honored. And that's the exact like, yes, you know. And then we talked about it later that day and I'm like, auntie, before you ask, uh, like before you asked me I was gonna ask you. She's like, oh no, I was.

Speaker 1: 1:04:49

I'm like I know it's a lot of people ahead of me in line to speak and stuff like that. Cause this little vine like I'm, I'm baby cousin for real. As far as the, the, the older cousins, I'm the youngest one, at 33. You know what I'm saying. And then you got my younger generation of cousins who are just approaching their 20s and they're still in their teens and shit like that. But as far as the older generation of cousins, I'm the baby. They call me Vine Baby Affection. You heard it here first. People they call me Vine Baby.

Speaker 1: 1:05:21

So, um, as far as that older group, I'm the baby and my auntie entrusted me to say hey and she told me, she said no, I thought of you right from the jump and that just made me feel so good. That made me feel so good. You know what I'm saying. So you know, I legit I want to put something together for granny, something granny be proud of and remember her. You know her legacy and who she, who she was, for sure, for sure. I believe that's, that's one of the most honorable things that you can do for somebody is to give them a really good uh home going. When they called yeah, you know you want them to, uh, you want them to show up there, fly wherever they go. You know what I'm saying, definitely.

Speaker 1: 1:06:08

So I asked you this what is, um, what does your legacy mean to you? What does my legacy mean to me? Yeah, I want my children to speak for me. I want my children to speak for me. So when it's sunday and my all my children is together, the same way me and my siblings get together now and they talking about daddy and I ain't got to be dead for this to happen I want to hear too. You know I'm saying I want them to speak for me on how I would rather I was crazy. Y'all remember that one time daddy hit my ass up. You know I'm saying, and those things I remember.

Speaker 1: 1:06:41

Dad man, like he used to, you know that used to wash our hair like I wash my girl's hair. My wife does their hair, but I wash it. They should just like my mama hair, just like my wife's hair, just long, thick. It's a lot fucking detangling process. So I wash the hair and they tend to do like a little better with me. And then my wife got that trauma of also being tender-headed. While I don't give a fuck, I will be as gentle as I can be. You know what I'm saying with my girls. You know, and I want my girls to remember.

Speaker 1: 1:07:13

It's the small thing. It's the small thing. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I remember when dad taught me how to ride a bike, back when we was living over at the apartment. I remember when dad taught me how to drive. I remember when I brought my first boyfriend home and dad ran him off.

Speaker 1: 1:07:26

You know I'm saying, like those little things, it's gonna be the big thing, like linux, yeah, I'm here to see linux. What the fuck are you? It's like a f-bomb. Today I'm here to see linux, but, um, but I want to be remembered from those those small, intangible things. Is college going to be paid for? Yes, we're going to make sure you get your first vehicle. Yes, we're going to make sure we're going to give you the tools to make sure you know how to take care of your credit. Yes, but I want to be remembered for those small things.

Speaker 1: 1:07:54

Hey man, daddy made a good-ass cheeseburger. I love him. With Daddy-made burger. He can season the shit out them ribs I'm alive and I can tell y'all my man does make a really good rib. But those that don't eat pork, you missing out. It's pretty good. We get a little beef rib A little more expensive. Soy rib he's soy, he's soy ribs, baby Soy. No fucking soy ribs. It's going to fall apart.

Speaker 1: 1:08:18

But that's how I want to be remembered. I want my children to speak for me and my and my wife, like the family I'm directly responsible for you know what I'm saying For her to remember who I was. And you know we don't know when we gonna go. We don't know when we gonna go, and if I happen to go too soon, I pray to God. Can I have 94 years, like Granny did? And I get 94. At the minimum, yeah, 94. Minimum, minimum. I don't want to be like, all right, 94, so that's my ticket. The 14th of september, uh, the year 2086, you out of here, right, man? That's a good man, but um, that's that's what I want, man. What about you? I had that question for you, man, I didn. I didn't really bother asking me too much.

Speaker 1: 1:09:08

It's all good, though, but uh, if, if I had to say, if I had to, as it's coming to me now, just riding, riding where I'm, how I'm riding. Now I would want to speak for myself, for my legacy, just because so many people have spoken for me of I believe in. You got to speak up for yourself because a motherfucker kill you and say you enjoy that shit. They say you enjoy the punishment that you was under because you never fucking said nothing. So, no, I have to speak up and my children will be the reflection of that. But that's me being like this is what I am, this is what I represent, this is what I am. This is what I represent. This is what I have done, this is what I expose myself to. This is what the triumphs I have overcome.

Speaker 1: 1:09:55

You get to see a marvel in front of you, not just the stories of. I think I was talking to uh there's the other day because it was chopping with him like one of my favorite movies to watch on, something Just like, get my morale up is Troy. So when Troy come out and he laid it with some holes in this thing like the little boy, come and find him. He laid up. He had a bunch of bitches. You know what I'm saying, but he gorgeous and he a good warrior. But the little boy tell him like, hey, man, the behemoth or whatever he was fighting, the barbarian you're fighting, he's huge. I wouldn't want to fight him. And he just looked at the nigga casually, like then no one would remember your name. But just I'm here to prove my own legacy for everybody to see. Don't speak for me, my shit, speak for itself. My children will inherit that. My children will be the next coming of that. It's like hey, I see why niggas take out the whole family because of that man who is broadcasting what he is. Imagine when he teaching his children in his household. Yeah, imagine how he prepared.

Speaker 1: 1:10:59

I showed this to Nessa the other day. We was just, we was just. She asked like I need my credit card not working. You got another card I could use. I'm like try to fucking scam me or some shit. But I'm like no, I got you. So I go to a little spot I got hidden Just out in the open, though and I grab it and I keep like important documents in there. So I told her like, hey, man, this little, this little jewelry bag down here, if something ever happened, just take this with you and just go, get in the car and just go. So she's like what do you mean? I'm like I got a Liam Nielsen, I got to explain my fucking stuff.

Speaker 1: 1:11:31

Something never happened to me, but it's like we joke about it. This is your passport, we joke about it. But it's really one of them like hey, babe, like we spoke earlier, like hey, man, as a black, a black man baby, I'm always under attack. I'm always under attack by society, by the positions that I have and hold and all of that shit. So if something was to happen to me, I need to make sure you're cool, even in my death. That doesn't mean that I don't still protect the queen, even from my motherfucking self. Okay, yeah, so any bitches in the back, if I die, don't you step up at my fucking funeral, bitch, don't you say a goddamn thing. I personally kicked him. That's a joke. That's a joke, but I'm serious as fuck. If it was ho, if you had a crush, don't you step up at all? I would personally escort these hoes out.

Speaker 1: 1:12:18

Hey, speaking of which, because I told my wife about this, you got a list of non-hireables. I have a list of people who and it's not long, it's not long. It's not long. I have a list of people who are not allowed to be at my funeral. You wouldn't expect me to say that, would you? No, bro, because I got. My wife has this list, bro. It's not written down. I've told her it's a very short list.

Speaker 1: 1:12:44

Y'all had it over ribs. It's either one or two people and it's not two. This nigga, that nigga and them niggas, everybody else cool, but fuck them. And they have opportunity to redeem themselves. I can go back to them and say, hey, baby, take them off the list, then next year they be back on them. Can I ask you, number three? What can I ask you, number three? Nah, nah. What Can I ask you, number three? Nah, nah. They'll know when they try to step up, okay, and it's like hey, he didn't fuck with you, you ain't fuck with him. Stop the bullshit. That was two F-bombs in two seconds, right there. That's my fourth one.

Speaker 1: 1:13:14

If I'm getting better, then I'm working on my language. I'm working on my language. I'm trying to be funny. I'm truly working on my language. You know what I'm saying. I feel you, bro, but you know God ain't through with me yet I'm trying not to cuss excuse me at my children. That's when they all come out, okay.

Speaker 1: 1:13:38

So remember that's our curse is it adds seasoning to it. It adds seasoning. Sit the fuck down like oh shit. They only respect the thought. They only understand. Hey, go have a seat. Go eat your food. Did you finish your nuggets? Eat one more. Take a bite, eat your food, go eat your food. Hey, go sit down and eat that food. Now you crying man and then my baby girl, her ass. Don't tell your mom. I don't give a fuck. Hold on your baby snitching on you. Don't tell your mom, mom on my side, go on up there and tell her. Why don't you cut your ass out too? Go eat them nuggets.

Speaker 1: 1:14:28

So for all children who might listen to the show I know this is not a children-rated show, but I have nieces and nephews who listen Uncle Juan love y'all and y'all know how Uncle Juan is Love y'all too. All right, so, but for all the other children that don't know us or don't know how we are, at the minimum you're going to get is us cussing. Okay, your child is safe. Your child is safe at Uncle Von and Uncle Juan Daycare. All right, they are safe.

Speaker 1: 1:15:00

You might smell some liquor, you might smell some trees, but the kids are going to be safe and they're going to eat, they're going to have fun. They're going to want to come back. Yeah, okay, they're going to want to come back. But them bad kids, oh, we regulate them. Oh, they get that, we regulate them okay. And when I mean bad, I ain't mean mischievous, like they just doing little shit, because we used to be doing mischievous shit. Yeah for sure. So I get it. But when you like trying to harm somebody purposely, that's when we like okay, man, I'm going to put the taser on low and I'm going to just zap the bottom of this nigga's feet. Okay, parents ain't going to see they got sock shoes back on. They ain't going to see that shit.

Speaker 1: 1:15:39

Examine his nigga feet. His feet probably dirty, because kids that got dirty feet are bad as fuck. I don't see kids with clean feet do fucked up shit. Dirty feet drink nothing but Red Pop and Flame Hot Cheetos. Saggy diapers, yeah, and they speak extremely fucking well, hey, if you four eat Flame Hot Cheetos, okay, drinking Chili Willies? Remember Chili Willies? Hell, yeah, come on, man, chili Willie's, I'm from around here, I'm from around the way, drinking a cart. You got the milk mustache. I mean the douche cup, mustache from the cart and shit. Oh yeah, hell yeah that shit. Come back to the house half empty.

Speaker 1: 1:16:11

The Chili Willie's you used to get a dairyman's juice Right the dairyman's, the orange joint. And, real quick man, one of my white friends back in the day, I ain't like this nigga because I got me some the iced tea. He's like oh, that's the ghetto tea, bro, that's the ghetto tea I'm. I just fucking ghetto tea, what you mean? He's like no, bro, I didn't mean anything by that. The ghetto tea. I'm like is it because I'm black? Is it because I'm black? Hold on, talk about what's the ghetto tea. Was it the dairyman's, the dairyman's Iced tea? You know, that's like the iced tea, the fruit punch, it's like the fruit berry, the iced tea, half gallon, half gallon joint. You could find the full gallon if you went in the inner city. Okay, you ain't going to find that at Dairy Mart out South Euclid man, or you ain't going to find that out in Westlake Circle K. No, you had to go Cleveland inner city. 4408, 44103.

Speaker 1: 1:17:22

Them the two I remember growing up A4., a4., a4. Yeah, yeah. So shout out to Cleveland. Ohio. 216, baby, but it was that, bro.

Speaker 1: 1:17:32

I remember as a kid getting the food stamp. My mama used to give us the brown food stamp, or sometimes she'd give my big sister the green one. I think that was the $5 one. The purple one was like $10, maybe one. I think that was the $5 one. The purple one was like $10, maybe. I don't think I had that much trust. Hey, we was last KQ. Hey, go to the store, get some bread, some milk. I used to get sent up with the WIC coupons, though we used to get the green ones. Yeah, I don't remember them, ripped them bitches out.

Speaker 1: 1:17:57

So you can get two box cereal, or no, it was cereals in ounces, so you can get like 33 ounces of cereal. So you have to look at the box. All right, this box 12.8 ounces, this box 11.2 ounces, and add them ounces up. So, nigga, if you nigga 0.6 ounces over you, you gotta wash a whole box of cereal like man, let me get these two out. No, you can't get this, you gotta get a smaller box, or you just he's like man, let me get these two ounces. Nah, you can't get these ounces of cereal. You got to get the smaller box, or you just ain't going to get no cereal and you ain't take advantage of all them ounces If they sing you up with that WIC coupon. You got 34 ounces of cereal. You better be using like 30 to 32 ounces If you come back and you only got 26 ounces of cereal. No, you should have got the big box of the Cheerios and the small box of the whatever. You know what I'm saying, stretch them ounces out.

Speaker 1: 1:18:51

Nostalgic moment, real quick. People similar. I remember as a kid going shopping with my mother and she used to do that. We I'm a, I'm a EBT baby, I'm a WIC baby, I'm a Section 8 baby. That shit Groomed me To be like that Nigga. I know what good eating is. Some of these kids Only know my mama cooked Steak and shrimp Without that shit Back in the day, steakums and shrimp. Kids today Only know Steak and shrimp and shit Because of EBT. That's a fact. You know what I'm saying. At least I knew we did. Now they getting crab legs on that shit, seafood boils, all that shit, bro. But nostalgic moment, man.

Speaker 1: 1:19:26

She would count the ounces and measure out in the dollars of like, oh no, it's cheaper to get this, because if you get two of these this is this, this right, here is 64 ounces, you get two of that. That's 128. You get this because if you get this, this is $32 and you get three of them. Now you got to get four. Now you came out $2.38 more when you could have got a pack of meat. You got the bigger pack of meat and not just get this little cheap.

Speaker 1: 1:19:48

But it would be how much moms would process, like they're all the twos and fues. Speaking as someone who has been to the grocery store with your mom, as I said, man, at 32, I would have got help, I would have got help. Man, I got help a little earlier. I understand your trauma. I love you, miss Gil, love you Mommy, but all of those things that say I used to annoy me as a kid. It comes out as an adult, when I have to sit in them seats now of like what is the better box of cereal Because I only got $20. Yeah, damn, mommy was making shit happen though.

Speaker 1: 1:20:29

Straight up, straight up, man, damn man. I'm like, sure man. And can we talk about that, man? Because we often talk about, you know, we in America, for my people listening outside the States, but you know we often hear about the oil crisis, the price of gas. You know I mean things like that, um, taxes being high, but we gotta talk real quick. Cereal has gotten outrageous. Nigga.

Speaker 1: 1:20:55

Every now and again I get a taste for don't laugh at me, man wheaties. I like wheaties, I really do. I like the taste. I don't feel guilty after. Like I feel guilty as fuck after eating like some Fruity Pebbles or some shit. Like man, I shouldn't age that. I'm too old to be eating Fruity Pebbles, sugary-ass shit, color dye and shit. But the Wheaties I never feel guilty about.

Speaker 1: 1:21:25

Go to get a box of Wheat. I'm like hell, yeah, shout out to her. I'm getting a Simone Biles box. It was like $6 for like just a regular little standard. I can get like three balls out of this bitch. Like $6? Like a 28 ounce box? Like the little is. She was little, she was little Apartment size and my daughter can pour that shit with one hand. My daughter need to be holding the bottle like this. You know, for some $6 box of cereal.

Speaker 1: 1:21:48

What's going on with the cereal Chief? It's hard out here for a person. So I'd like to comment first just on the Wheaties. Shout out to everybody on the front of the Wheaties box. I hope one day that I'm somewhere in greatness and they put me on the front of a Wheaties box where, like my wife, real good with crafting. But they put me on the front of a Wheaties box or something. That'd be dope. That'd be dope Me, like cutting grass on the front of that bitch or something. Dad, shit, dad of the year.

Speaker 1: 1:22:13

But hey man, I don't think. I don't think kids is eating cereal as much as they was as we did. I think kids in the mornings is eating flame of hot Cheetos, eating barbecue lays, takis, takis. They eating leftover wing stop from last night. Or some of the kids, man, they just they intermediate fasting, if you will. They just not eating in the morning. So cereal has come. Outrageous man. And KJ like Wheaties. So I don't ever mind him eating that man.

Speaker 1: 1:22:44

But when I tried to have like a father-dad moment one day, like, hey man, pour you a bowl of cereal and pour me one too, I did not like eating those little mattresses. Man, that shit dry. You got to soak it in there long enough because that shit is like what you talking about. Little mattresses Wheaties tastes like little apartment size mattresses. Man Frosted Wheaties tastes like Little apartment size Matches. Man Frosted Wheaties Is they, even with the, and I drink my. You talking about Frosted mini wheats, wheaties, no, wheaties. Is the Like the product 19 Wheat, my bad, yeah, I don't like my nigga talking about the frosted mini wheats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like my. My Apartment matches, my apologies. My apologies, they had like little pillows, I don't like them. And I tried to eat them With KJ Boxers. Look similar. Yeah, they the orange, they the orange boxers. So that's what got me confused, my apologies. And they got wheat in the name. 3d for the speakers. My apologies, man, but I tried to eat them With KJ Cause KJ eat them. Yeah, and they was just so who fucking dry for me and I'm a cereal person.

Speaker 1: 1:23:43

Like as a kid, we would eat cereal. My mother had remember we was just talking about WIC I'm a food staff. My mother would be one of them. Ones Like she'll go get a rain check if all the shit that was supposed to be there ain't there. I want a rain check on my Georgia's wings. That's a five-pound bag of Georgia's wings. I want my motherfucking shit.

Speaker 1: 1:23:59

But we would get cereal and eat it just as a dry snack. Yeah, she would put that shit in the lunch baggie for us. We'd eat that. She'd make her own trail mix, we'd eat that. And if we didn't have no milk, it was like nigga, you be all right with some water, you'll be fine. One of them, nigga, drink some water, you'll be fine.

Speaker 1: 1:24:17

But we, that was nigga. That was to us. That was living. Yeah, for sure, that was living when you had the right cereals in the house. That was definitely something, man, and I'm going to say this because my cousin, she, used to come over to our house in the summertime and be there. From a kid's perspective, they was there for like the whole summer, but maybe in reality they was there for like nine days. Yeah, your kid time, different than your brother's time, my kid time. So so, bro, so my mom's would go to the store, load up the cereals and shit, right, hey, man, you had to wake up early to make sure you got the cereal you want, because between just my siblings there's five of us. And then you got Wayne there, dj Maurice, sharice, four extra kids.

Speaker 1: 1:25:10

The Cap'n Crunch gonna be gone, man, you know what I'm saying. That was the one y'all like which we? Cap'n Crunch, oh, first Cinnamon Toast Crunch, that was the one For real, for real. That was always my like top. Like, yeah, cinnamon Toast Crunch, nigga, cinnamon Toast Crunch be gone. You know what I'm saying. Plus Mommy, she got the little box, can't get the family side. Like, hey, mom, we got four extra kids staying, we need big boxes this time, please. But so she get the little shit. You know what I'm saying. Like Craig, but cereal be gone.

Speaker 1: 1:25:46

Man, you ain't get up. You woke up at 10 thinking you about to get some cereal On a Saturday. No 10 to shift over. Nigga, it's over with, it's over. You might want to wait till lunch. Nigga, get you a fried bologna sandwich or something it's over with. And she used Bando Busting out the Bando Fried bologna.

Speaker 1: 1:26:03

Nigga, that was the one man. My sisters did that shit the best. You used to pop the little hole at the top of that, motherfucker. Yeah, that's the shit, because you had to stab it a little bit, otherwise the middle of your bologna not going to cook. It'll get hot. But you got to exhaust it. Yeah, or before you even cook it, you can just slice it and make of bologna so it would stay flat in the skillet. But that's some of the first shit. I learned how to cook Bologna sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, um, ramen noodles you know, bro, we survived off nigga, shit like that and Lil Debbie cakes.

Speaker 1: 1:26:36

Shout out to my nigga, zay. Rest in peace. To Zay I ain't have a bike. Growing up Did not have a bike, but he had a bike. So, nigga, we got a bike. You know what I'm saying? It seemed like he used to get a bike like every Christmas, and then can I have your old one. And then his grandmother gave it away to somebody. What the fuck, nigga? I'm over here, not bike-less. I'm down the street. I got to run behind you, but somebody invented these things. Is called pegs. Be a max, baby, be a max. Somebody came through with the pegs. Now I'm on the back of the yeah, so you can put them on the front or the back. Be on the handlebar eating the dry cereal, you know, but no man, so definitely.

Speaker 1: 1:27:16

Shout out to Zay, man that was my best friend growing up. Shout out to Juice as well, man, like when I talk about this friendship, if I had a dollar, zay had 50 cent. If Zay had two dollars, juice got a dollar, like we was together. If I got a quarter, nigga, we going to get a Swiss roll and we splitting that bitch. This is my boy, you know what I'm saying so spending time at his house. Did I tell the story about when Grandmama smacked him in the back when I was stepping on the floor? She was mopping the floor. No, but here we go, yeah, man, so man, bro.

Speaker 1: 1:27:49

So we over at Zay House, man, we playing the games. Xbox came out and we was so cold, like everybody agreed in the neighborhood this one Christmas to get a different game system. Ain't no sense of us all having the same game. You know what I'm saying. So, nigga, tell your grandmama you want the Xbox, you get the GameCube, we get the PlayStation and my brother had the Dreamcast. So in the neighborhood we got all the games. We unfuck-wittable Whatever getting played, nintendo, whatever we own it, we know how to play it. We used to all the controllers. Nintendo always had the weirdest controllers. We own it. Got the C buttons over here doing weird shit. We playing a wrestling game. I don't even know how to get in the ring. You know what I'm saying. You gotta press C, you gotta press the C button up here. Weird shit, but we own it. We know what to do. Wrestlemania, wrestlemania, all that shit. Super Smash Brothers hey, this was the shit.

Speaker 1: 1:28:50

So one day, me and Zay man, we at Zay's house I was in the old neighborhood, by the way, man, his house has been demolished. It fucking broke my heart. But we in there for like three hours playing a game, kicking it. You know, I guess his grandma didn't have like a mop or like the mop broke or some shit. So she's on her hands and knees washing the kitchen floor. We came in through the back door. So, nigga, my shoes are on the other side of the kitchen. I'm like bro, my shoes over there, your grandma in there, you're mopping the floor. You're like, bro, my shoes over there, your grandma in there, you're mopping the floor. You're like, alright, we're just going to wait a little minute, wait until she's done. I go in there and get him. Man, zay, go to tiptoe his ass across that wet floor. His grandmama came in there, smacked the shit out of my boy on the back. Wow, what the fuck your ass doing in here. I just mopped this goddamn floor. Five shoes over here. How you gonna fuck his shoes over here? I don't give a fuck. I'm sorry, grandma, I'm sorry, fuck. Grab the shoes. We out the door Like I ain't come back over your house for a while. I don't think I'm welcome back. Rest in peace to my boy Zay.

Speaker 1: 1:30:07

I named my bike. I have a bike now. As an adult, I bought my own fucking bike. My bike's name is Zay, and that's one of the things. Just a memorial episode.

Speaker 1: 1:30:17

When I ride my bike, my boy Zay with me Cause that's where we on the bike I'm talking whole neighborhood, nigga we, up to the clear Superior, nigga the library, wherever we needed to go, we would drive all Ride All the way to the lake, through MLK Drive, and every time we go under the them bridges we would just start saying All the cuss words Shit, motherfucker, bitch, ho, like we would. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, shit, motherfucker, god damn. We'd say that shit, damn, damn, damn damn. Be honest, just, you know, we was man, we was wild man, but that was my boy. And yeah, man, nostalgic shit, nostalgic shit, man that.

Speaker 1: 1:30:57

Take me back to me talking to KJ recently just on a. He got a bike and he like riding on this bike around the neighborhood, different places. But we had told him I'm like, hey, man, you know, when we was kids our bike was like our first means of transportation. Bro, we everywhere on here. I'm like we wouldn't even clock, we didn't even know miles, we just everywhere, bro, and I'm like man we.

Speaker 1: 1:31:25

I told him one day what our Saturday routines used to be. I'm like man, me and Uncle Bud used to be gym rats. We would go to Kvassik Rec, we'd go to Sterling or we'd go to like Thurgood Marshall or Huff and we'd go swim, we'd go to weights, we'd go boxing, we'd wrestle weights, we boxing, we wrestling, we doing all kind of activities. We some active-ass kids, active kids. Nigga, you grew up, most of them grew up. Most of us grew up in like the recreation centers in Cleveland. You know somewhere, go to Corey. My grandma used to go give swimming lessons at Corey. Yeah, corey, that's where I learned how to swim, yeah, so we would go up there.

Speaker 1: 1:31:57

We grew up on Austin. Corey sits on the corner of Drexel. Austin is right across the street. They go down that way and, by the way, they named Austin after the lady who babysat us when we was kids. She babysitted everybody in the neighborhood. That's dope man, and I went over there. You know how they name the streets after certain celebrities, though. Celebrities Steve Harvey, leon Bia from the news, bone Thugs and Harmony just got a street man. They named our street after the lady who looked after the neighborhood. Hey, that's dopey shit, that's some community shit. That's like somebody in City Hall or somebody locally Like I went up there. You should put Bob and Ann up there.

Speaker 1: 1:32:31

I was going to take a picture of the street sign. I'm like, oh, they don't name Austin after somebody who was it. And I see they named it after Miss Hollifield man Got a little picture on there. I'm little picture on there. I'm like that's hard though, man, that's hard.

Speaker 1: 1:32:45

Shout out to miss hollifield. Man, she's still over there doing her thing. I don't think there's no kids over there now. It might be, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 1:32:51

But she shout out to you thank you, miss hollifield, for everything. I remember you taking care of us and getting popped in wet rag when fuck up. Thank you, you needed that. Hey, man, you find yourself forgiven a lot for practicing forgiveness as you get older and you get to see like, hey, I needed that. They should have killed me as a kid all the shit I did. It took a village. They should have fucked me up. Man, he ain't no good. Throw him away. Throw him away. I get it, though, man. Shout out to those who cover the children and cover the babies, who cover the fools, who cover the adults, who cover the people who in need, who just you know.

Speaker 1: 1:33:34

Hey, man, thank you for just people being there, having that person to lean on, and you said that this beautiful person was able to make such an impact that her name will continuously live on. People will argue about her name because they didn't miss the fucking street, you didn't miss Austin, because she was on your fucking phone tweeting and shit. Do you know who that lady is? Hattie Hollifield Way. So, yeah, most people call her Miss Hattie. I always call her Miss Hollifield, miss Hattie May P Straight up. So, man, let me ask you this man We'll close out this very beautiful, insightful, important episode, really geared to us as men Memorial episode being able to grieve, being able to process just true, true life feelings.

Speaker 1: 1:34:28

Man, do you feel comfortable being able to express yourself freely? No, and I think that's a problem with us men. We gotta get better at that, you know. We really gotta get better at being honest, being vulnerable, being open, expressive, being free to cry publicly, publicly. You know, you and I, man, we always talk about Killer Mike's last album, michael, you know, and then on the song he had Shed Tears, which really is like a gospel song. You know what I'm saying. But he said I shed tears every morning in the bathroom mirror, face to face with fate, had to face my fear. Just being honest. That's why he won that Grammy. That's a very honest album.

Speaker 1: 1:35:37

But men, especially black men, man, we got to do so much better with being open, with that emotion and expressing freely, being able to say hey, man, that hurt my feeling. I ain't like the way you said that to me, I ain't like when you did that. You know what I mean. But instead we want to fight, right, man, what? We go straight there. That's nothing but that's just mismanaged emotion. You know what I'm saying. That's mismanaged emotion. You know saying that's mismanaged emotion and it get dangerous when we mismanage our emotions. Somebody get hurt, somebody get killed, when we mismanage our shit.

Speaker 1: 1:36:15

You know I'm saying um, so at this point, you know my answer is still no. I don't feel completely comfortable, but I recognize that as a problem and I'm working on it and I want to get better. You know saying be it with my, with my woman. You know I'm saying with my, with you, with my partners. You know I'm saying and let's be able to be able to sit and talk and be open. You know I'm saying and shed them tears, let that shit out. Let it out. It's okay, it's a safe space. You know I'm saying so. I, yeah, that's uh, yeah, yeah, how do you, how do you feel about being being open, speaking freely? Um, I'm, I find me at a place now exercising that because, being known in some circles of being a person who is the one that will say what most people don't want to say, um, I muted that and it made me sick.

Speaker 1: 1:37:14

I found me withholding or harboring, and it didn't come out in healthy ways, or what do they call it? Passive, aggressive. I'll just let shit keep going and going and going, and then it'd be one little thing and then I I'll blow up for eight months worth of shit. I've been harboring, yeah, and it's like hold on, wait a minute. And it's like you, you deserve probably all this shit. I'm saying, but I should have gave it to you when you should have, when you got it, compared to me, hold, no, yeah, for sure, man, uh, so I find me trying to not trying. I find me walking the path of speaking more freely.

Speaker 1: 1:37:51

But I'm also recognizing the power of what I'm saying, because I don't want to have a man conversation with my teenage son that he can't process and I scar him by being so verbally brutal of, like you a man, but it's like, is he though? Yeah, like, yeah, he's on his way, but yeah, I just really became a man. Yeah, so me talking to my wife of this is what I need, and not turning her off from it not being, but so be already recognizing myself. Like hey, nigga you a little aggressive. I'm like I am Dang what. Yeah, I thought my shots practice of being nice, I thought this was nice. We was like, ah, you got a long way to go. You better. Yeah, I'm practicing, but making sure that I get the point across, but I don't. I don't leave a stench with the message. I don't leave a stench with the message. You know what I'm saying. So, being able to feel comfortable with her and have her be my safe space At a time we didn't have that and that's what I desperately, desperately needed of hey, I'm getting fucked up by the world.

Speaker 1: 1:39:00

I don't think you really see that, because I smile, I crack jokes, I'm laughing, ha ha, but I'm really fucking the joker in my mind. I'm really sick as fuck. I'm really sick. I'm sick, but I laugh it off because what antidote is there? What antidote is there? Money don't fix certain shit got money don't fix it. It brings more enemy. It makes more shit dark because you don't even know who really there for you. You don't know, yeah, but learning, hey. I can't say something ill to this person. That does depend on me, because in some cases you learn, like nigga, I'm almost. Sometimes all people got on an employer side, yeah, or on a friend side of we, well, adults. Now how do I tell my friend, like you being a shitty dad, you being a shitty mom, I don't want to feed into your delusion, but you gotta got to, you got to like.

Speaker 1: 1:40:03

So already, being faced with these challenges of day to day man, I find me just trying to exercise and say what's right and not just what's like politically right. You know what I'm saying? Like saying, as I say to my son, like just give you an example, go through that boy phase, sometimes not washing his ass, and he faking washing his ass. So he in there running water and like he sound like he following the step. So I'm like okay, my nigga, you put the water on the rag, squeeze it. If you gonna fake to do it, you might as well just not do it, because you still costing us Right, still costing us All, right, all of these steps. You might as well either did it or just not did it at all.

Speaker 1: 1:40:47

Hanging in the balance, you make yourself an enemy. You gotta pick a side man. Wash your ass, but don't wash your ass. It's costing us the fucking same. It's costing us the same, but it's on you to make this decision.

Speaker 1: 1:41:00

So I don't want to be you dirty, funky, musty butt boy, ass motherfucker. I don't want to hit him with that. I want to make him like hey man, you too handsome to be stinking like that. I want to positively reinforce him, but he got a black dad that didn't have that. So I'm trying to. I'm trying to. I was going to say that's what they're going to do outside. Oh, nigga, somebody bust you should. And when they find out, hey, it's this nigga right here. Ain't no safe place for you now? Not at all. Not in a junior high school cafeteria, hell, no, in the middle of a test, he'd be quiet. Niggas are scripting. Hey, hey, hey. Remember KJ was staying in my class. Remember, ken was staying in my class. So our nostalgic moment, freedom speakers.

Speaker 1: 1:41:50

I remember one of my teachers in middle school, eighth grade. I ended up calling my mother and I was probably having a rough day. I probably just disrupted this fucking class. I'm pretty sure I was. I'm a disruptive grown-up, so I'm pretty sure I was a disruptive child. Um, but the teacher ended up calling my mother and my mother would always like do her surprise, get pop-ups on your shit. So I seen my mama at the door when I'm in my last class and I'm like oh shit, that's my mama, damn. And if you know my mama, also known as big kim big kim, don't play.

Speaker 1: 1:42:27

My mother is probably one of the toughest, smartest, brilliant, beautiful women I've ever come across in my life. But sometimes my nigga can use that shit for evil. All right, it ain't all her singing in the fucking church and trying to get into heaven, get the first hundred seats in heaven. Ain't that camp, it's the the brutal. You gonna get down and lay down benny seagull warden type camp. So she pull up and I know my mama. I try to beat her to the door before she come in there because she about to embarrass the fuck out of me and she always had a real thick big thing about embarrassment. So when I tried to get to the door, she just coming right on in like uh-uh and slapped the shit out of me in front of all of my friends and I knew it was coming. I had to stand there and take it. But as soon as she slapped me, get your motherfucking ass in that goddamn hallway. I'm like oh shit.

Speaker 1: 1:43:29

One of my childhood friends, marcus Gdomski, aka. He called him too. He was like damn man, miss Kim, slapped that Eminem off that nigga face. And if you knew me before, I had a beard. I got a birthmark on my cheek that looked like a little M&M. They used to be like get that little chip of shit on your face. Remember, kids? They make me cruel as fuck Kids, cruel as fuck man. They talk about anything, about your motherfucking ass. But my homies just know I'm like hey, man, this is how it is man, this nigga he cool. But they're like, miss Kim, tough as fuck, tough as fuck.

Speaker 1: 1:44:02

I gave KJ that story like hey, some of my niggas to this day never forget that shit. That's how they remember me. Hey, nigga, you remember your mama whooped your ass at the school that one day. You all remember you. I've done great things in the world. Why you fucking remember me for that shit skill, nigga, man, don't bring that whole ass shit up, man Hayden, what is? I ain't never seen your mama at school. Nick, did you graduate school? Nigga, that's the worst concern, nigga, what your mama was at, nigga, fuck you. I was a chronic C student when I showed up.

Speaker 1: 1:44:37

But Freedom Speakers this episode was brought to you by Chief Ali. One have a permission to speak freely. We really wanted to be able to speak as honest as we can and develop this space to be safe for people, for the listeners, for men, most definitely For those that find grace in what we say in our teachings and find peace in our laughter and our stories that relate and connect to us like this. This is really what we ultimately want to do. Uh, yeah, we can.

Speaker 1: 1:45:12

We can talk about any and everything up under the sun, but we really like to talk about the real things that we handle, our day-to-day things, man, that the things that relate to people love to have children, or you be mad at your job, or you know your spouse ain't right, or hey, man, you looking for some guidance as a man, how to sharpen your shit up, or, you know, we're just being able to relate to certain scenarios. Man, we, we want to touch the people and we want to make sure that, hey, we bring in our raw, authentic selves to y'all here at. Permission to to Speak Freely. I'm your host, chief Ali and Laylo the most. Thanks for listening. Permission to Speak Freely.